Mantis Style!

2008-07-10T15:42:00.000-06:00

2008-06-13T19:27:00.001-06:00

A Very Special PMA

How did you spend YOUR International Eat An Entire Duck Day?

2008-05-10T19:48:00.001-06:00

Pardonnez Mon Accent, ep. 6
Quality time, beer, and the Metro.

2008-05-09T19:09:00.000-06:00

New photo dump at flickr. Check it out.

2008-05-06T19:43:00.001-06:00

Pardonnez Mon Accent, ep. 5

NSFW song, sorry kiddos.

Thanks for everybody who helped me get here.

p.s. Hey Cara, I just bought a metro-pass for $65. Pretty cool, huh?

2008-05-04T19:56:00.003-06:00

Pardonnez Mon Accent ep. 4

Final approach towards our target destination: Montreal, QC

2008-05-04T17:37:00.001-06:00

Pardonnez Mon Accent, Ep. 3

If you're in Toronto, and you're bored: Kill yourself.

2008-05-02T14:44:00.002-06:00

Pardonnez Mon Accent, ep 2

Non-adventures in Brandon, MB

2008-04-23T20:22:00.002-06:00

More like, "Pardonnez Mon Introduction" The first few seconds are a bit fucked, but it's my first video blog. Be kind.

2007-10-18T17:36:00.000-06:00

Crushing Disappointment

So it turns out that the Zombie Walk has been cancelled this year. Due to the size of the event, the organizers are required to get a parade license, and the insurance that comes with that. These geniuses thought that they would be able to get the permit in 7 days. Wow. This unimaginable stupidity has caused the event to be postponed until Spring.

Fine, whatever. The party is still going to be at my place, and I would recommend that you show up: I'm learning how to make all different kinds of creme brulee. Also there will be grown-up drinks and general good times to be had.

2007-10-16T08:49:00.000-06:00

Three Things

1. The New Pornographers are awesome live. Dan from Destroyer even put down his beer long enough to sing a couple songs. Actually, I lie. He didn't put down his beer.

2. Creme brulee is hard to make. After a couple attempts with different recipes, I seem to be wasting a large amount of cream, sugar and eggs. Luckily, these things are cheap, as I'm determined to get this right. I didn't buy that blowtorch for nothing!

3. I finally figured it out. The best name for a dog is Boogers.

2007-10-08T23:21:00.000-06:00

Changes

Just in case you didn't hear, the Zombie Walk is going to be on October 20th. The theme that I want to try and go with this year is Zombie 70's News Team, ala Anchorman. It should be good times. The party will be at my place afterwards.

Also, if you haven't heard the new album from The Go! Team, you're missing out. Proof Of Youth is just too much damned fun.

2007-09-19T23:55:00.000-06:00

Two Problems

Problem #1: The more I think about it, doing the zombie ghost busters is looking more impractical and less than feasible. Do we all really want to drop up to $100 on flight suits that we're going to absolutely destroy and wear once? This doesn't even factor in the costs of makeup and patches, or the impossibility of constructing 4 half-decent looking proton packs. I'm sorry guys, but I think it's in our best interests to come up with a different theme for this year.

Problem #2: For the life of me, I can't find any information on when the walk is going to be this year. Doing a GIS for "Calgary Zombie" was neat though. We're #1!

So, any thoughts?

2007-09-13T22:27:00.000-06:00

El Fuego!

The mask isn't done yet, I still need to sew the trim around the vinyl. Still, I'm pretty impressed with myself. This was a really fun project that took almost no time or money, just a little patience and some imagination.

2007-09-09T00:07:00.001-06:00

Mission Accomplished

I got written up in Boing Boing again. This isn't in a linkdump either. We're talking front page feature article here. This is all I've ever wanted since I started this project. I could not be more pleased. Never in my life have I been able to emulate my imagination so perfectly. It's good to know that hard work does occasionally pay off.

2007-09-07T22:13:00.000-06:00

Oh Boy

Trust me when I say that you don't want to miss this.

2007-09-04T17:58:00.000-06:00

Brass-tastic

Pictures of the brass plated graphics are up, if you're interested. Canada Post continues to suck, as my package has now been delayed in customs for nigh on two weeks now.

2007-08-27T17:21:00.000-06:00

Finishing Touches

Here are some design elements that are going to be used for the grip tape. Delivery of the final components should happen some time early this week, after which assembly will swiftly follow. Stay tuned.

2007-08-23T20:13:00.000-06:00

Small update, Great joy

Pics of the awesometer are up, so you can see what small progress I am making. Enjoy!

2007-08-19T22:40:00.001-06:00

Changes

I'm in negotiations with a laser-etching company to get these done for me post-haste. Now all I need are wheels.

2007-08-16T00:13:00.000-06:00

Gentlemen, ladies.

I am at the climax of completing my most ambitious project to date. My twin steampunk longboards will be a sight to behold, and I am simply bursting with anticipation for the arrival of the final components. What you see here is the precision awesometer, the gauge that will adorn the head of the board. It has been designed to measure the relative awesomeness of any surrounding area, within a proximity of about 5 feet. The reason that this image is so tiny is that I need to be able to pull a printable version from the web, so I apologize if you have to squint. Stay tuned, I will no doubt have photos of the completed project soon.

2007-07-29T19:48:00.000-06:00

Two Important Things

1) The Simpsons Movie is rad. Go see it.

2) I won my first ever game of Monopoly. Yay me!

2007-07-17T23:24:00.000-06:00

She Got The Idea Watching The Series Finale of Will & Grace

I have just downloaded and read the final chapter to the latest Harry Potter book. I plan to ruin the ending for any idiotic adults that want to obsess over this within earshot of me. I am so sick of this shit.

2007-07-08T13:46:00.000-06:00

Stampede Gourmand

I ate a corn dog, a breaded pepperoni stick, some pineapple ice cream, deep-fried coke, and washed it down with some lemonade. I don't feel so good right now.

2007-06-25T23:57:00.000-06:00

Utter Disappointment

I don't usually write game reviews, but I recently finished a game that I really ticked me off.

Shadow of the Colossus sucks. Never have I suffered through a game so thoroughly, and for almost no point whatsoever. This is what happens when a game has an excellent concept, and some truly groundbreaking gameplay, only to be completely ruined by poor storytelling and directorial laziness.

Being dragged through fight after fight without any exposition whatsoever, the player is led to believe that there must be some huge payoff in the finale. Not so. The ending is so utterly crappy that it would just as satisfying to defeat the final boss and wake up to find that the entire game had been a dream all along. No, instead all I am left with is a proverbial spit in the face, and a horse with a broken leg.

I can't remember if it was Ryan or Kyle who convinced me that this game was worth playing through, but rest assured that I loathe them for this brutal lie.

2007-06-21T21:43:00.000-06:00

Prefix Punk'd!

I've been giddy ever since starting to read Chuck Palahniuk's newest novel. Rant: An Oral History of Buster Casey really is an exciting story, at least to begin with. It's like reading the adventures of Huckleberry Finn, except that our childhood hero this time comes with the preface that he's going to grow up to infect half of the nation with some strain of super-rabies. Also, he kills some of his family members with insects. Also, he's kind of psychic. I know it sounds weird and confusing, but it's one of the best first acts I've ever read. Things are kind of breaking down at the halfway mark here though. Once the protagonist grows up and leaves town, there's some whole new cyberpunk angle that's getting worked in. It's really distracting, and a little Johnny Come Lately, to be honest. Cyberpunk was passe before the last Matrix movie came out. Everybody knows that the hot sci-fi shit these days is steampunk.

My birthday party is next Saturday. I already sent out invitations on Facebook, so if you haven't heard of it yet, now you know. Give me a call, I'll give you the details. To all of you who can't attend: You are all suckers, or at least otherwise decent people who are probably in different countries at the moment.

2007-06-12T23:50:00.000-06:00

A Bad Day, Basically

Certainly not the worst day though. Not by a long shot.

I went to get my latest tattoo today. You won't see any pictures of it for a while yet. This is because it is far from being done. With my last inking project, I would have sworn to you that the inside of your elbow is the worst place in the world to be tattooed. I am less than enthused to report to you that I was mistaken. To date, the most painful place I have now been tattooed is the side of my ribcage, just above the abdomen. My appointment was to last for 3 hours, ample time in which to complete this accursed project. But sheer will alone was not enough to endure such pain.

After only 1 hour I was unable to contain my convulsions, my silent tears staining the upholstered table upon which I lay. I blacked out for one second, just one second, before I threw in the towel. It was clear to me that I would need to return later, with tougher skin. Or painkillers, as it were. I'm really stoked about the design, and the outline that's been done so far looks spectacular. You'll be able to see the final product on my birthday, I assure you.

Also, I've joined Facebook. Fuck you. It would seem that this ubiquitous social networking site has actually become mandatory for physical social interaction, dare I say a precursor to it. It's stupid, but if I want to get invited to parties, I had better be as stupid as everybody else. As for the Tay that everybody was previously befriending on this damnable website, I have no answers other than to blame Charles Porter, my doppleganger.

2007-06-05T16:40:00.000-06:00

What's Up

Been busy lately, what with the new job, and some new hobbies. I finally got my first customer for Nerdworld Longboards, which is very exciting. Being able to sell things that I make is really cool. Also, I've been cross-stitching lately (really!), so expect to see the fruits of those labours soon-ish.

I'm learning a lot about how banking really works, and what kinds of powers I have when it comes to bending the rules. It's kind of neat, really. I can do all sorts of things that I'm not supposed to, if you know me. Here's a tip if you want me to give you some special treatment at the bank: stop crying. The fact that bounce cheques all the time does not make you look good. Nobody likes a pity story.

I guess that I've been reading and listening to music lately, so why don't I talk about that?

Dan Deacon is a laugh riot. He is some dumpy loser-looking guy from Baltimore that makes the most bizzarely catchy techno. Watch some of his videos: If his gyrating does not make you laugh, I'll give you a dollar (not really).

Stars released a remix CD of Set Yourself on Fire, and it's pretty rad. It features what is more or less a who's who of the Canadian indie scene, most hailing from the Arts and Crafts label. It's called Do You Trust Your Friends, and it's the frontrunner for "Best Remix Album" on my 2007 list. Check it out.

Books are neat. The more I collect, the smarter I look. I got a couple of really smart looking books lately, both on the topic of transhumanism. The first one is Are You a Transhuman? by FM 2030, and it basically reads like a high-minded Cosmo quiz. It's pretty fun and light, and it's a really neat way to get some insights into the mind of this interesting author. I mean, he changed his name to FM 2030. How cool is that? The best part is that because this book was published in the early 90's, we can see which of FM's predictions have come true and which have nosedived. I guess the telefax had some high hopes back in those days.

The other book is called The Singularity is Near, by Ray Kurzweil. It is decidedly chunkier, and fortified with much more protein than FM's book. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm liking it so far. Transhmanism as a concept is very fascinating to me. Go robots, go!

2007-05-26T20:10:00.000-06:00

Happy International Eat An Entire Duck Day!

I just did a photodump on Flickr, so you should check it out. This was a really great holiday, however, eating an entire duck has left me far too tired to write up a proper post. I'm going to go look up ways to treat an impacted colon, then I'm going to pass out.

2007-05-22T22:25:00.000-06:00

We're Having a Party

So Sam has invented a holiday. Saturday, May 26th is International Eat A Whole Duck Day. Everybody I know that is cool is invited to drop by my place (likely early afternoon-ish) and eat a whole duck. Ducks will not be provided. Music will, however, and also good times playing with the Wii. If you want to know where you can get a whole duck, talk to Ryan. He will probably tell you to go to Chinatown and throw a rock, whereby you can proceed to apologize to the man you just hit, and ask him kindly if he will sell you a whole duck. See ya Saturday!

2007-05-14T19:31:00.000-06:00

Done!

I finally assembled the longboard today and took it out for a ride with Jon. Any worries I had about the board's stability and craftsmanship were put aside quickly. This thing rides like a dream. The trucks are at the perfect tension, and the oversized wheels laugh in the face of gravel. I am so glad that I did this.

As an aside, I've been meaning to ask Ryan if he's made any headway on getting graphics on his board. What's the story dude?

Vanity pics to follow shortly.

2007-05-12T00:31:00.000-06:00

Photodump Friday

Some good pictures this time, including my favorite hotdog photo to date. I'm scrambling to finish my longboard as fast as possible now, the weather is so good that it's killing me to have to walk places.

Also, I finally got caught by the transit cops tonight. It's about friggin' time, really. It figures that this would happen on my very last ride home from work at the chocolate shoppe. As of monday, I'm Mr. Bankman! I'm not really too stressed about the ticket, I've saved at least twice as much money as that will cost me from never paying for transit for the last 2 years. The only thing that bothers me is that if I don't pay the fine in time, the city will actually issue a warrent for my arrest. Does this strike anybody else as insane? Traffic violations are fine, but if you don't pay your transit fines, they will haul your ass off to jail. Something is not right.

2007-05-04T10:36:00.000-06:00

I Gotta Believe!

My wheels and trucks finally came in the mail yesterday. Now all I need are graphics (I'm going to slap my lazy little brother, he said he would have them printed out last week!), some verathane, and bearings.

When I ordered the wheels, I went for the largest diameter possible. None of the photos provided any frame of reference as to how big these things were. Seeing them in real life made me a bit giddy. They're huge! This thing is going to be one of the smoothest, fastest rides ever. I might even set up some ramps around the neighborhood and try to jump the homeless.

2007-04-30T19:07:00.000-06:00

Job Interview 2: Beyond Thunderdome

I had a job interview at The Bank last Thursday. I didn't really want to make a big deal out of it, in case things didn't go well. But this was just too interesting to not share with you guys.

The day started out the same way that all of my job interview days start: A thourough hygiene ritual, followed by a quick prayer to Quetzalcoatl for good luck. I dressed myself in my finest shirt and tie, and left the house looking like I was auditioning for the sequel to Resevoir Dogs.

I left the house with plenty of time to make it to the bank, and vented all my stress by singing along to The Pipettes. If that doesn't loosen you up, nothing will. So I happened to be in a really good mood when I parked my car, only to see my arch nemisis, Charles Porter.

Perhaps I should explain.

Charles Porter is my doppleganger. While in no way related to me, he is my exact twin in every physical way. You probably have one too, although it's unlikely that you'll ever meet him/her. He looks like me, sounds like me, and much to my chagrin, he has nothing but an insatiable desire to be me. It's been his ambition in life ever since we met to take over my life and live it for me.

Why would he want to assume the identity of a slacker such as myself? I can't say for sure, especially when his life doesn't seem all that bad by comparison. We discussed simply trading lives when we first met, but negotiations broke down quickly after a revelation between us.

If you've known me for any length of time, I will have probably imparted to you my desire to die by the hands of my doppleganger in a bloody and climactic fight to the death. It is most unfortunate that Charles shares that exact same desire. We've tried to fight to the death, but neither of us have really been into it, what with both of us wanting to be the loser in such a conflict. It's quite a pathetic thing to see, really. In lieu of this, Charles hopes to assume every facet of my life, hoping to forgo the dissapointing (and frankly premature) fight to the death.

It was just this sort of scam that I was interupting as I approached Charles in the parking lot, just before he was able to enter the bank.

"Charles, what the hell do you think you're doing?" I have grown far too weary of these games for common pleasanteries. Dressed in the exact same garb as myself, he turned to me sheepishly.

"You know that it's always been my dream to work at the bank. I have to follow my dreams"

"I know all about your ambitions, asshole. That's why you stole my job at the Royal Bank last month, and my job at CIBC the month before that. Why can't you just leave me alone? I have no intention of killing you, no matter how mad you make me."

His eyes met mine, and I could see the tears welling up. "I have to try," he said quietly. "It's all that I've ever wanted. Are you sure that there's no way I could change your mind?"

I explained to him that the only way that he could possibly get me mad enough to kill him would be to pull a Frankenstein, and kill my wife on the night of our wedding. In the meantime, he could feel free to go about his own creepy business, and we could live our lives in peace. This seemed to be a fine solution to his problem, so he went home.

I went in for my job interview, and as I've just learned this afternoon, the position has been offered to me. Hooray me!

2007-04-23T21:23:00.000-06:00

Happy Earth Day!

I broke my glasses recently, the story of which I shall tell you now. It was Earth Day, a day when you're supposed to celebrate the Earth, and not fuck up the environment so much. So to do my part in Earth appreciation, I took the eco-friendly C-Train to the zoo, to admire some of our planet's most exotic prisoners.

As I passed by the enclosure surrounding the mountain lion, I could see that the creature was exhibiting some strange behavior. Stopping to observe, the elegant creature paced back in forth in front of the fence that held it, throwing at me a stare that was unmistakable.

"You're such a pussy," that smug stare was saying. "If it weren't for this fence, you wouldn't be so indifferent to my existence. Without this fence, you would shit your pants and run away like a little girl." Needless to say, it was a very complicated look that it was giving me.

Rage was welling up inside of me. Anybody who knows me knows that I value the subjugation of other species very highly; it's what really separates us from the animals. A nearby zookeeper, grizzled in his old age, noticed this and approached me.

"That there mountain lion has been uppity from the moment she was brought here." He scratched deeply at the stubble on his neck. "She knows that so long as that fence is there, she can try and pick a fight with anybody that walks by, and never have to back up her bravado. Of course, she is a mountain lion. I'm willin' to bet that she probably would win in a scrap."

"Well why don't we find out?" I asked. Piqued by curiosity, and goaded on by a crowd that was beginning to form at the notion of a man-on-lion fight, the zookeeper led me to a nearby tree that I could scale to get over the fence. As I ascended, this bitch of a beast sat on her haunches, and awaited my arrival, her tail occasionally flicking in anticipation. She did not expect what was about to happen next.

And so I leapt from the tree, head-first, right overtop of this mountain lion. Just before impact, my right arm drew itself inward, such that I hit her skull with my patented Atomic Flying Elbow Drop. The crowd exploded in cheers, having never seen such grace and brutality from the top rope. Indeed, the animal was dropped faster than an advanced trig class, and I took a second to take a bow and address the crowd.

"We need to stop being so nice to animals!" I boomed in classic basso. "If these beasts don't catch an elbow to the face every now and then, how will they know who's boss on this planet?"

My shining example being a lightning bolt of inspiration, the crowd dispersed to perform despicable acts of violence against the residents of the zoo. Koalas were punched; bears were suplexed and apes got sand kicked in their faces. My work here was done. Just as I turned around to make my glorious exit, the mountain lion that I had assumed dead pounced. With only a fraction of a second to react, I grabbed this abomination by the ears, and slammed my head into the exact same spot that my elbow had decimated not minutes ago. Fortunately, this proved sufficient enough to instantly kill the beast. Unfortunately, the dent made in it's cranium by my first attack had dented it's skull such that the frames of my glasses absorbed much of the impact, breaking both arms off of their hinges. Had the crowd not left moments prior to pillage mother nature, it would have been a most embarrassing exit, having to gather the pieces of my spectacles and sulk off.

So, to reiterate: I did not break my glasses by stepping on them as I woke up. I head butted a mountain lion. Happy Earth Day!

2007-04-07T21:04:00.000-06:00

Um... Holy Shit?

You're never going to believe this, but Johnny Awesome is alive, and got caught scamming banks for free porn. While it's exciting that he really exists, I find it hard to be proud of a man who gets caught for such a shameful crime. If he had scammed things like cars and a house in the Cayman Islands, or some other kind of classy crime, that would be much more fitting of the Johnny Awesome name.

2007-04-06T14:02:00.000-06:00

I Totally Forgot

The first board is built, but requires some heavy finishing before I can let Ryan have it. I made a few mistakes in the construction here and there, but it should be perfectly rideable. As my first effort, I'm pretty proud of it, as I was able to learn a lot of lessons that I will put into practice upon the second board's construction.

In keeping with the theme of learning from my mistakes, I am totally going to give this board to Ryan as soon as it's finished, just so that he can play around with it, and make his own mistakes. If worse comes to worse, we should be able to cover any blemishes with a printed transparent banner.

I should probably get started on that second board soon though. There's no saying when the snow might finally break.

2007-04-04T23:12:00.000-06:00

Oh God What Have I Done?

I did something rad, that's what. With the suprisingly enthousiastic help of Jon, I was able to create something incredibly fun. Check it out! Next time, I'm going to go for authenticity, and use Swedish Fish and Blue Whales.

2007-03-28T22:11:00.000-06:00

On the Upswing

I apologize if I've been a dick to you lately. It's been a very stressful week. Naaz and I broke up, my savings conitue to drain into the toilet, it is impossible to find a reliable roommate on short notice, and a recent haircut has me facing the same fate of my father much sooner than I was prepared for. My head basically looks like an old tennis ball.

Of course, I may never get a chance to apologize to everybody that deserves it. There was that guy who nearly hit me with his car while I was crossing the road. I yelled at him in my 300 voice and made him very scared. That was probably uncalled for.

There was also the arrogant guy in the store with the cheap, ill-fitting suit who chewed his gum like a retarded cow. I shouldn't have told him that he was arrogant, wore cheap suits, and chewed his gum like a retarded cow. He probably knew that already. I'm not sorry that the boss wasn't there to see my behaviour though.

2007-03-21T00:03:00.000-06:00

Some Questions

Is 300 a good movie?

No. It is not a good movie. It is the greatest movie. That is to say, it is the greatest movie where at least a thousand people are murdered in the coolest ways possible, and a guy with a rad beard shouts things in such a way that I wish to emulate him.

"This. Is. SODA!!!!" or possibly: "Tonight we dine... AT MOXIES!!!"

It's awesome stuff, and you have to see it.

Is El-P's I'll Sleep When You're Dead a good album?

Yes. Yes it is. If Phillip K. Dick was into rap, this is the stuff he would dig. It's scary, paranoid, and angry as all get out.

2007-03-17T12:50:00.000-06:00

Here We Go

Thanks to Ryan, we have a pretty good start at a logo and such. Here's my first attempt:

2007-03-15T23:55:00.000-06:00

Free Booze!

Now that I have your attention, I hope it's not too late for this bulletin:

St. Patrick's Day stuff will be going on at my place. To attend, all I ask is that you bring some kind of a food that can be prepared in an oven or deep-fryer, or requires no preperation at all. We still have more than enough booze left over from New Years to get us all drunk 4 times over. Can you please come and help me with that?

2007-03-15T08:28:00.000-06:00

My Imagination is Stuck

I just can't wrap my head around this one. My nerdcore skate label needs 3 things here: a name, a logo, and a slogan. I can't come up with any of those. I know what they should be like though, so I won't be too surprised when it hits me upside the face.

The name needs to sound smart, not cool. Like some kind of trick spelling of a little-known word that isn't longer than 2 syllables.

The logo should be a stylized version of a nifty lookin' math symbol. Phil, got any ideas?

The slogan should be some clever latin pun.

I need ideas, people!

2007-03-13T18:45:00.000-06:00

Ray Smuckles Where Are You

I got me TWO million dollar ideas today! It's been a good day.

MDI #1: Me and Ryan are going to attempt to build our own longboards for the Spring. Ryan wants to do it so that he can design the artwork adorning the bottom of the board. I just want to ride a longboard. But I digress. Watching the historical culture shift that nerd empowerment, it struck me that it may now have the power to co-opt other sub-cultures. Which is why I would like to tackle one of the more exclusionary cliques found amongst youth today: skaters. I want to start a company that would market skateboards (or at the very least longboards) to nerds. Just like rap music, my main revenue would not be generated by my target audience. No, real nerds might not leave their mother's basements in hoards to try my Nerdcore brand of alternative transportation, but there are plenty of fake nerds that will. Wow, you have your own website? I'm impresesed. Groan.

MDI #2: Keeping on my skateboarding train of thought, I want to create an ice-skateboard. Take a regular deck, remove the wheels, and attach 4 custom blades to the trucks. Me and Jon and Lisa have gone over this in our heads, and for the life of us we can't see why this wouldn't work and be awesome.

Can I ask you guys a favour? As my audience here is comprised entirely of nerds (a term which I use only in the highest reverence), would you do me the honour of pitching some ideas as to some brand names I can use for this latest project, or maybe some slogans? Whatever you got, really.

p.s. I'm in a contest that labels me as a genius. Tee-hee.

2007-03-11T15:15:00.000-06:00

Housekeeping

So I didn't get the job... yet. There's a third interview that I would have to go through, and I don't even have a definite answer as to if that's ever going to happen. Yay stress! In any case, I think that I rocked the interview, so I'd be surprised if I didn't get a call.

In better news, Ikea Hacker got around to posting my table. You can read the article here. It makes me sound not english, somehow. I think that I wrote the email very late at night, so maybe my grammar wasn't top-notch.

2007-03-04T16:20:00.000-07:00

Stupid Blog

I really don't have any excuse for not posting a lot lately, except to say that my life has been pretty dry. I've been going to work, eating crappy heat n' serve food, and that's pretty much it. Maybe it's the weather? All this snow has got me pretty bummed out. I want it to end so that me and Jon can finally get those longboards we've been talking about for what seems like forever.

I guess I have a job interview on Thursday that I'm excited about. It's at a bank, which is basically the place that I've wanted to work at for the past 3 years, for reasons I can no longer remember. It's a good job to have, right? It would be sad to leave the chocolate shoppe, but I'm sure that my tripled salary would be of some comfort. Fingers crossed!

2007-02-18T13:54:00.000-07:00

Culinary Tip of the Day

You may think that your making a spicy avocado gespatcho, but it's really just a lot of guacamole. And nobody wants to eat that with a spoon. They want to eat that with chips and salsa, or tacos or something.

2007-02-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

Big Flickr Update

I posted a bunch of new photos on my Flickr account, including pictures of my latest Ikea Hack project, and the V-Day cards I've made for Naaz. Confidential to Naaz: If you're reading this, don't spoil the surprise. They're coming in the mail.

2007-02-07T18:59:00.000-07:00

Ch-Check It Out

So here it is. After months of planning and procrastinating, the Lite-Brite Ramvik is done. Hopefully IkeaHacker approves. I doubt this will make their "Best Of" list for 2007, they have some real geniuses submitting stuff there. All the same, I hope everyone can appreciate this.

I am so damn glad to be done with this thing. It has to be the most frustrating thing I've ever accomplished.

2007-02-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

Overheard in our Livingroom

Me: Wow, Indiana Jones is a real asshole.
Jon: Hey yeah, you're right.
Me: He's racist and misogynistic. The only reason people like him is that he can slug foreign people while cussing them out in their own language.
Jon: That, and he can do the Kessel Run in under 4 parsecs.

2007-01-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

Killer Parties Almost Killed Me

Went snowboarding this weekend with the roomies and a bunch of Lisa's friends. Normally I wouldn't do this sort of thing, but it was Lisa birthday bash, so I went out of obligation. I haven't been on the mountain for about 5 years now, so I figured my presence there would be a little embarassing.

I actually ended up having a lot of fun. I was able to pick up what little skills I had in pretty quick time, so I wasn't the wet towel of the party. Things got retarded when we were off of the mountain though. Let me sum it up for you:

Person 1: "What do you want to do?"
Person 2: "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

Three hours pass

Person 3: "You know what? We should really do something"

It was unbearable. So I did the best I could to eschew retarded group dynamics, bought some pizza and went to sleep early.

Check out some of the rad photos that I took. Just being in all that painfully restrictive gear made me feel 10 times cooler. Maybe I should do this more often. If only it didn't cost/hurt so dang much.

2007-01-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

Oh Hell Yes

Talking pictures are rad, particularily the talking picture that I have seen most recently. Pan's Labyrinth is a wild ride, the kind that kicks you in the crotch and makes you feel really weird afterwards. If you see only one movie this month that features a man getting his face caved in with a bottle, see Pan's Labyrinth.

Speaking of movies, I don't think I've been this excited for a film since, well, the last movie these guys did. Those Shawn of the Dead guys are really showing Hollywood how a real spoof is done. Wayans brothers, how in hell is it that you still get work?

2007-01-15T21:47:00.001-07:00

Let's Go To The Future, Where Everything's Happening

Happy 2007 everybody. This is a good year to be in, I think. I have high hopes.

Last year, and perhaps even the year before that, I blogged about my favorite albums of the year previous. I've kinda been putting off doing a list for a few weeks now, and I guess it's time I got around to it. So here it is, in no particular order, some of my favorite albums of 2006:

Yo La Tengo - I Am Not Afraid Of You And I Will Beat Your Ass
The Decemberists - The Crane Wife
The Thermals - The Body The Blood The Machine
The Lemonheads - Self Titled
Soul Position - Things Go Better With RJ and Al
Lupe Fiasco - Lupe Fiasco's Food & Liquor
Sufjan Stevens - The Avalanche
Tom Waits - Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers, and Bastards
The Bicycles - The Good, The Bad and The Cuddly
Ratatat - Classics
The Roots - Game Theory
The Rapture - Pieces Of The People We Love
The Mountain Goats - Get Lonely
Girl Talk - Night Ripper
The Raconteurs - Broken Boy Soldiers
Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings The Flood
Tokyo Police Club - A Lesson In Crime
Dresden Dolls - Yes, Virginia
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Show Your Bones
The Flaming Lips - At War With The Mystics
Hawksly Workman - A Treeful of Starling
Belle & Sebastian - The Life Pursuit

There you go. If you haven't heard of some of these albums, simply ask politely and I'd be more than happy to share them with you. In the meantime, I have a favour to ask.

I realize that we have a great musical catalougue of intelligence within the readership of these blogs, of which I need to draw upon now. Naaz is going to be starting up her dance class for small children again, and requires some music. Like most of us, she is saddened at the state of hip-hop today, and wishes to impart something a little more culturally significant than "Sexy Back" to her students. The problem is thus: The music must be appropriate for 10-year olds. This means that even if you are rapping about the evils of prostitution and drug pedalling, it's no good. It has to be 100% clean. Any suggestions to add to the playlist that I'm making for her would be appreciated. Thanks!

2007-01-07T01:27:00.000-07:00

Hooray For Ladies

Naaz went and got me the craziest Christmas present ever. You'll just have to see it to believe it. Frankly, I still can't believe it.

2007-01-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year

If you missed the party, the least you can do is look at the photos. It was pretty great times.

2006-12-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

Happy Festivus Everyone!

Well, damned if I wasn't totally right. Within 8 hours of my submission, I find myself on the front page of Boing-Boing. It's a Decemberween miracle! This has totally made my day.

2006-12-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

Decemberween Carols

So what's your favorite Christmas song? Working at Bernard Callebaut, I am subject to 8 hours of christmas music every day. And every day I wait in anticipation of my favorite song to come on the radio, to make the rest of the day's consumerism-crazed chocolatiering worth it. My favorite song is of course the Bing Crosby/David Bowie duet of The Little Drummer Boy, but on the suggestion of one of my coworkers I've discovered a cornocopia of delicious Christmas songs by one of my favorite folk artists of all time. Sufjan Stevens released a 5-cd set of all the Christmas EPs that he recorded personally for his friends and family, and there are some real hits on there. I'm giving the collection to my mom for Decemberween, hoping to influence her into liking good music by tempting her with her favorite christian carols done by a good man who sings good notes. It's only $25, and it comes with a lyrics sheet, guitar chords, story book, comic book, and sticker sheet, so it's a super deal. I would totally recommend picking it up.

In other news, the Katamari Gingerbread House is done, I hope you enjoy it.

I realize that I've probably made several atrocioius spelling errors in this post. It's late, and I've been working very hard lately. Maybe I'll fix it later, but right now I don't care.

2006-12-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

New $1M Idea

Portable Aromatherapy

Have you ever been caught on the train, playing everybody's least favorite game? You know: What's That Stench? Sure you have. That's why you'd be the main demographic for a new product. Simply dab a few drops under the nostril, or apply it as you would chapstick (just a little bit higher), and let your olfactory system relax for a little bit.

You already wear an iPod to drown out their assinine conversations, why should your other senses endure the hell that is other people?

2006-12-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

The New Job is Rad

I don't even eat breakfast anymore. I just go to work and eat chocolate. It's so awesome. And thanks to the labour crunch, I'll be second in command by the end of next week. How cool is this? I never thought that I could enjoy retail this much. Even with the christmas rush, things never get too crazy, and nobody loses their cool. The customers are almost always happy (because they are buying chocolate), and my coworkers are all really nice to me, and ask me politely to sit while I pee in their bathroom. It's good times.

On another note, me and Ryan started building something awesome: The Katamari Damacy Gingerbread House. We have yet to provide the edible diorama with the key element yet, but the groundwork has been completed, and it looks awesome. If there's time to be had during the holidays, I may make another gingerbread house, in either a Night of the Living Dead theme (thanks Jon!), or a Call of C'thulu theme, with a gigantic elder god rising from the front yard to enslave humanity and cause insanity with his mere existence.

This will get me on Boing-Boing for sure.

2006-11-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

Big Decisions

I may have a new job soon. I interviewed for the position this afternoon, and the job is mine if I want it. I just don't know if I want it. I thought that it might be good to do a pros/cons list to help me decide, so here we go.

Pros
- The job is in Kensington, so the commute is 10 minutes or less.
- It's with Bernard Callebaut, so I'd get free chocolates (They call it "homework")
- No more night shifts.
- My coworkers would be all women, which would be a welcome change from the factory bums that I'm used to.

Cons
- I would have to take a $2/h pay cut.

This wouldn't be a permanent job thing, just another latteral move as I try and find my way into a bank or office setting. Naaz pimped out my resume, so hopefully I will be able to get on with something like that soon. In the meantime though, I'm seriously considering becoming a chocolate man. I have until Monday to make up my mind, so I'm just gonna let it stew around in my head for a while.

2006-11-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

Who Would Have Guessed?

I got the chance to hang out with some of Naaz's friends the other day, and it proved to be an interesting experience. I never once would have thought that I'd be getting into an argument over Michael Shermer. I brought up the subject of his TED Talk speech (Thanks Mike!), and all of a sudden this girl blurts out:

"Michael Shermer? I hate that guy."

Perhaps I should have left it at that, but curiosity got the better of me. I mean, how does somebody come to hate a science historian and generally funny guy? I had to know, so I asked her what she finds in the man that is so perturbative to her.

"He ruins all my UFO and ghost shows."

Well then. Far be it from me at this point to tell her that he actually produces those kinds of shows, while being the voice of reason in a gallery of crystal-ballin' gypsies and tinfoil hat-wearin' weirdos.

I wasn't really feeling garrulous enough to argue my point fully at the time, so I'm pretty sure we just agreed to disagree. Man, but do I really hate doing that. It was probably for the best though, the last thing that I want is for my girlfriend's best friend to hate me.

Wait, scratch that. The last thing that I want is diseases. I hate those things.

Million Dollar Idea of the Day: Get Out of Awkward Conversation Free Card.

2006-11-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

More Ideas For $1M

Step 1: Wait for the avain bird-flu to reach epidemic status.
Step 2: Get a job with the Butterball Hotline for the Thanksgiving/Christmas season.
Step 3: Save the lives of several familes with my critical advice.
Step 4: Oprah, book deal, etc.

2006-11-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

I Need To Make A Million Dollars

Lately my imagination has been running rapant, trying desperately to come up with a million dollar idea. I haven't really thought of anything feasible yet, as the market is rapidly running out of stupid websites I could invent that are worth a lot of money.

Realistically, any product I invent would only have to impress one person: Puff Daddy. Keeping this in mind, my brain came up with an invention that would rock the psuedo-pharmaceutical world. Anyone with a faulty spam-filter will tell you that there are dozens of products to enhance maleness, marketed to those with popular insecurities, right? I can only assume that most of these are just sugar pills with clever disclaimers that allow them to avoid the FDA. To impress Puff Daddy, I would invent a pill that would mess with the results of paternity tests. Or more acurately, I would invent a pill that claims to mess with the results of paternity tests. I don't suppose it would matter either way.

The only other reasonably feasible idea I have is to create a hair gel strictly marketed to MySpace retards with ridiculous asymmetrical haircuts, but I think that Garnier already beat me to the punch.

2006-11-17T00:24:00.000-07:00

No Spelling Mistakes This Time, I Promise

As far as grammar goes though, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Do you know the worst way ever to wake up in the morning? Assuming that you are not lying next to a creepy hooker at the time, it would have to be your iPod alarm playing Cadence Weapon’s “Grim Fandango”. Why did that asshole have to have the genius to sample the freaky theme to Silent Hill? What a jerk.

For much happier music, you might want to check out the latest EPs from Bishop Allen. I enjoy this band very much, with Charm School being one of my favorite pop/folk records out there. It’s fun happy music, good for waking up to.

The new Wii is coming out this Sunday, and I guess that I will be picking one up. I don’t know why really, I guess that it just looks like a lot of fun, and I haven’t really made any ridiculously inadvisable purchases in last little while, so I’m due.

2006-11-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

What Is The Greatest Glavour?

The greatest flavour is lemonade and Twizzlers. You're welcome.

2006-11-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

Are you Watching Closely?

So there are a couple of movies that I've seen recently worth talking about. The first up is Borat: Ridiculously Long Subtitle In Obvious Engrish Joke. Honestly, I can't believe how huge this movie is. The shows are all sold out, it's #1 in the box office, and this asshole gets to do his schtick on every talk show on the dial. What's up with that? I honestly thought that this flick would have little more than a cult following, not a balls-out super following like it does. Not that this movie doesn't deserve the success it's achieved. I was laughing my ass off all through it, it's really that good.

Even better than Borat was The Prestige, where Batman and Wolverine get stuck in an alternate universe, and they must compete to see who is the best prestidigitarian. Ziggy Stardust plays the magical wizard with the power to set things right. Seriously though, this movie is rad, and had me trying to stay ahead of the plot the entire time. Every two minutes, a new plot twist or mystery is added to the equation. The biggest mystery of them all: how on earth does that corset stay on Scarlett Johansen? Hot stuff, let me tell you. I will admit though, one of the last plot twists of the film nearly ruined this movie for me, if it hadn't been so awesome up until that point I would have been very dissapointed. I wish I could say more, but I don't want to wreck an otherwise perfectly awesome cool movie for you guys. You should just see it, so that you'll know what I'm talking about.

In non-movie realated news, I asked a lady if she would be my girlfriend, and she said yes, so now I guess I have a girlfriend. Who knew that all you had to do was ask?

2006-10-28T04:25:00.000-06:00

Bitch! Zombies Comin' Up The Hell Right Now!!!

I've been playing a few video games regularily for the past few days, which almost never happens. Usually I'll play a game for a few days, get bored of it, and lose it until it's time to trade it in for something else. But I borrowed Pheonix Wright from Matthew the other day, and I have to say that it is hands down the best lawyer simulation available on the DS. For some funny videos using the sprites from the game, may I point you to exhibits A and B.

Also, I would just like to say that I wish every single game review ever was like this one right here.

2006-10-21T09:23:00.000-06:00

New Music Weekend

I picked up Cadence Weapon's Breaking Kayfabe on the news that the Edmonton rapper proclaims to make music "for white guys with glasses". That pretty much hits the mark, it sounds like low-fi glitchy laptop techno rap. Just don't expect anything too profound, lyrically speaking. He is from Edmonton, after all.

On a lark I bought Combines, the remix EP from some of my favorite indie-rockers, Shout Out Louds. It's mostly pretty good, but I was very dissapointed by the terrible remix done by Architecture in Helsinki. I think that they make rad music, but an exceptionally shitty remix. Just download the Ratatat remix and skip the rest.

The Pipettes are basically what would happen if the Spice Girls were transported back to the 60's, and learned to play their own intruments. Not everybody can be a pipette. You have to be pretty, and own a polka-dot dress. Their album is called We are the Pipettes, because they don't want any confusion as to the name of the band who's album you just bought.

The Bicycles are a really fun band that sing wishy-washy songs that will probably be in a future episode of Gilmore Girls or something. It took like 2 months to get the album ordered in from Play, but it's pretty good. It's called The Good, The Bad and The Cuddly. Listen to the track Paris Be Mine, and I think you'll agree that they've got a fun little sound to them.

I need to learn how to use YouTube. I have some great footage edited from the zombie walk, and I want to share clips with you guys. I figure that if every 12 year old with an old episode of Family Guy can do it, I shouldn't have problems.

Super-Extra Update!

2006-10-14T19:04:00.000-06:00

Flickr Explosion

New pictures of the Zombie Walk, my new tattoo, and as always, hotdogs.

2006-10-13T13:36:00.000-06:00

An Experment in Privacy

I don't really care if FREEDOM FIGHTER BOMBING anybody reads this JIHAD or not, I just like the idea that if my GODLESS WESTERN PRESIDENT blog gets flagged it can outlive me in their SUBWAY SARIN GAS computers.

2006-10-10T23:24:00.000-06:00

2006-10-09T14:23:00.000-06:00

Do you think that the wars of Alexander the Great would have gone any differently if either of the opposing armies had bicycles? Just a thought.

Also, Quake III Rocket Jumping. I'm not sure if anybody still cares about this sort of thing, but I thought that the editing alone makes it worth checking out.

I'm getting really close to finishing that Lite-Brite coffee table. It's exciting. Expect pictures of the final project soon.

2006-10-04T01:05:00.000-06:00

The other day I watched the entire 2nd season of The Office, non-stop. It's Lisa's fault, for buying it. It's also Steve Carrel's fault, for being so damn funny. I did not get much done that day.

2006-09-29T23:40:00.000-06:00

In case I haven't made it abundantly clear already, this year's Zombie Walk is gonna be the shit. All I need now is for somebody to claim the third mask. If there is more than one person besides Jon and myself who wishes to wear the Kobun mask, I can make a fourth. All I would recquire are the lenses to a pair of discount sunglasses. The rest is either already done, really easy, or insanely fun.

2006-09-19T09:15:00.000-06:00

Big Plans

The more I think about the impending 2nd Annual Zombie Walk, the more ambitious my ideas become. I'm thinking that with a little help from my friends, I may not dress up as a zombie, and instead use the event to gather footage for use in a series of short zombie films. How would you guys feel about helping me out in creating a cold-war era Zombie PSA? Or perhaps a commercial for my Zombie Preparedness kits? I would totally be prepared to take care of costumes and all that, Lisa is helping me gather supplies for the Kobun masks that will make us the Talk of The Walk.

Please feel free to comment with your own script ideas, or just tell me that this idea is retarded. I've been up for a long time now, and I can't really discern that for myself at this point.

2006-09-18T15:03:00.000-06:00

New Music Monday

I have just been beaten over the head with a handful of advance releases. We are talking about the likes of The Decemberists, Ratatat, The Rapture, Citizen Cope, Kasabian, and The Blood Brothers. Most notable of all of these would have to be Ratatat's Classics and The Decemberists The Crane Wife. I would tell you about the latter, except that I can't force myself to stop listening to the former. It blows their self-titled debut out of the water, and the bitch-slaps it. This may be the greatest instrumental album of all time.

2006-09-16T08:54:00.000-06:00

Same Story, Just the Names Have Changed

So I guess another retard kid got it in his head that it would be pretty rad to shoot a lot of people in Montreal. Reading about this guy in the paper, it's almost laughable how stereotypical the "school shooter" has become. The only thing unique about this loser was that he dithered away his days until he was 25 before he put his psycho destiny to an end. At this point, are we still allowed to blame the parents? I'd like to think so. After all, he was still living with them at the time.

But what can we do? Surely there must be some kind of warning signs that your trenchcoat wearing, rifle-owning loner of a son who spends all his time updating his vampirefreaks.com blog might go postal. If only there was some clue...

There is one little thing I'd like to clear up though. The news keeps referring to the fact that he had a photoshopped picture on his blog of his grave, wherein it says that he "Lived fast died young. Left a mangled corpse", and that he wanted to die "like Romeo and Juliet — or in a hail of gunfire."

Let's be honest: every guy wants to die in a hail of gunfire or some such nonsense. No guy wants to die peacefully in his old age. That's boring. Personally, I want to die in a battle with my evil doppleganger, after which my surviving son will swear to avenge my death. Beacause he'll be cool like that. As for the whole "Romeo and Juliet" thing, I'm willing to bet that he just wanted to touch a girl at some point in his life.

Parents, do yourselves a favour: read your child's blog. Also, ask yourself: does my creepy son own any firearms? Am I sure? As long as he's still living in your basement, rape his privacy until he leaves the house. At least then you won't be heralding as many calls from the media when he goes postal and shoots up a cafeteria.

As for the usual parading of the scapegoats (vidoegames, heavy metal, goth culture), we've heard it all before. Being goth is retarded, unless you're a suicidegirl. I'm hoping that if we as a society can band toghether and collectively ignore goths on a whole, they'll wither away and die. Or just kill themselves, without bothering anybody else. I'm cool with either one of those.

2006-09-03T08:41:00.000-06:00

Here It Goes Again

In my mind, this music video beats that of The Hoff. OK Go wins my award for best choreography in a music video.

Good news! Somebody has offered to purchase that zombie thing I did a a few days ago. I think that's a pretty rad thing to have happen to me.

2006-08-30T07:22:00.000-06:00

I Made Another Thing Today

I just keep making things!

2006-08-29T18:58:00.000-06:00

It's the Azn Pr0n Dawg!

Just for you, Cara.

2006-08-23T10:14:00.000-06:00

I Made A Thing Today

This morning for breakfast I made a hotdog. Only I didn't have any hotdog buns, so I substituted a couple of twinkies in it's place. With this in mind I continued to substitue traditional hotdog condiments for jam and marshmallows. I don't need to tell you that it was delicious beyond compare. I simply need help naming it. Now is the part where you type comments.

2006-08-20T21:09:00.000-06:00

Friends Of P, Down With OPP

It's been too long since I've bought any CDs, but I got back into the habit lately, so now I finally have some music to talk about. Let's do it.

My favorite find of recent has to be The Avalanche, a compilation of b-sides from Sufjan Stevens Illinois album. In many ways, this album surpasses it's predecessor. It's blissfully shimmering, and includes some really keen remixes of Chicago, one of my favorite songs from last year. A must have, in my books.

The new G. Love album is really good too. Lemonade is the same funky-fresh G. Love that you've come to know and love, but now he's made some new friends. Blackalicious and Lateef The Truthspeaker show up on the track Banger, and the result is just that. Jack Johnson and Ben Harper also make appearances, but that should hardly come as a surprise.

Be Your Own Pet is a self-titled debut from a band that is hoping that you've never heard of Pretty Girls Make Graves. Utterly unoriginal.

In other music news, Ryan convinced me to go see DJ Cool Herc play at the Amsterdam Rhino, and I'm glad that he did. The acts from beginning to end were stunning displays of skill. The Human Beatbox was particularily entertaining. I always thought that it was Al Gore who invented hip-hop, but now I know better.

2006-08-15T00:17:00.000-06:00

I'm a Johnny-Come-Lately

So everybody's moved in the house now, and things are going pretty well. Really well actually. Lately everybody's been hanging out after work and stuff, and we all seem to be getting on famously. The only problem I have with the new roommates is this: I'm not sure I can handle being the 2nd best cook in the house. To thank me for painting her room, Lisa repaid me with a steak dinner, better than anything I've ever paid for. I am basically going to stalk her until I find out how she made the reduced whiskey sauce for that meat.

Jon will probably talk about this more than me, and probably with a much greater sense of knowledge, but he bought a new tv recently. I can't describe how insanely gorgeous this thing looks. Watching DVDs is a completely new experience. Speaking of which, Jon has got me hooked on some great shows now. Firefly is fantastic sci-fi, I enjoy it particularily for it's lack of bug-eyed aliens that are really just racial stereotypes. Arrested Development is also great, easily one of the best-written shows ever. I'm going to watch them all soon enough, I'm sure.

The dudes in the house have also become quickly addicted to the show Mantracker on Outdoor Life Network. It tells the story of a man. A man who tracks men. He's really good at it too. Several men have gone against him, and they all got tracked. Basically, it's hide-and-seek for people who aren't afraid of being run over by the world's biggest badass and his horse. The general concensus is that the show needs a theme to play as Mantracker does his man tracking. I'm currently reworking the lyrics of Ghost Riders In The Sky, part of which will explain how Mantracker is bad enough of a dude to rape you with a tree.

2006-08-03T09:29:00.000-06:00

R.M.P. and the Bi-Curious Bike Couriers

Well, I've been 23 for about a month now, and I have to say that things are going a lot better than I expected. Really, the only bad thing to happen to me this month is Erron, and frankly that's nothing more than a funny story to tell now. Making him homeless brought on a great sense of schadenfreude that I can't deny. Actually, that's giving myself too much credit. He made himself homeless, I just made it official. If I'm anything like him when I'm 30, kill me. No questions asked.

The new job is working out pretty well, and the new roommates are working out even better. After a little party that went down in the house, Lisa made us all breakfast. Not crappy cereal, served in an old yoogurt container, bu rather bacon, eggs, and waffles with a homemade maple/apricot syrup. So basically my roommate choosing ability is either hit or miss. Kirsten (who will probably hereafter be referred to as "Kit") also seems really cool. Jon is just basically the decent guy he's always been. Everyone is excited to be living with each other, and it looks like it's going to be a great year.

I finally found the perfect coffee table for my Lite-Brite conversion project. I'm psyched to get that started. It's gonna be the raddest thing ever, basically. I've also been working hard lately on other furniture. Jon and I have been putting in some hours in the garage, painting over Adam's ugly-ass end tables and transforming them into sexy high-gloss kick-ass endtables. Also, we got a kitchen table too, one that now matches our chairs and everything. This house is going to kick so much ass, it's scary.

It's all pos, people. It's all pos.

2006-07-27T08:03:00.000-06:00

I'm So Excited, I Just Made Water in My Pantaloons!

Stop what you're doing right now and watch what may very well be the greatest serial cartoon yet to be made: The Amazing Screw-On Head. Featuring the impressive voice talents of Paul Giamatti and David Hyde Pierce, this steam-punk comic-book adventure is incredibly stylish, as well as roaringly hilarious. Will The Amazing Screw-On Head stop Emporer Zombie before he takes over Abraham Lincoln's America with a demigod hidden in an onion? If you don't watch it, you'll never find out. Also, if you don't watch it, we're not friends anymore.

2006-07-17T19:12:00.000-06:00

What's Your Power Move?

What you guys need to do is check out The Show with Ze Frank. It's a pretty-much-daily video blog, with a guy who just know's good dialogue. Does it still count as dialogue when he's only talking to himself? Anyways, it's funny as hell, and you should all check it out. My favorite episode is the one where Ze gets screwed out of his airline refund. Man, what a motor-mouth.

In other news, I got more tattoos today. God, that shit hurts. Don't do it. Pics are forthcoming, as soon as the bandages are removed and I stop bleeding.

2006-07-06T09:39:00.000-06:00

Basically Some Stuff

So the new job seems to be working out well. I won't lie to you, if it weren't for the benefits I wouldn't touch this job. However, when it rains it pours! Full health care package? Sure! Free gym on site? Yes please. Profit sharing? Surely you jest! And that's just scratching the surface. Besides, it's kind of a thrill to have to actually work for a living. Sitting on my ass and getting paid for it is old hat. I'm looking forward to man hands, the calloused trophies that can only come with doing something with your life.

What else is new? Well, my birthday came and went, thankfully in a quiet and dignified manner. As much as I want to ignore it's passing, I did get a couple of nice gifts to mark the occasion. First up was a lawnmower, a tool of which I was in desperate need of. In navigating through the dense flora of our backyard, I took special care to leave Adam's "jungle oasis" relatively intact.

An unexpected gift came to me that day as well. It was something that I had been dreaming about for months prior, and frankly it's the best gift a boy could get for his birthday. Heather left. She's gone. She paid her rent for July, and then split. All her tacky Ikea furniture is but a memory, and the ear-splitting sound of her dragging her long nails across her legs while she sobbed quietly to herself as she checked her email is now replaced with a sweet silence. As cliche as this may have already become, I would like to mark her departure with a haiku.

Listen up you slob:
Don't let the door hit your ass
On the way out, bitch.

I apologize if that's a bit crude, but "histrionic personality disorder" is just far too many syllables.

In news concerning dilectable digestables, a new sushi restaurant opened up right next to Shwarma Sam's in Kensington. While serving what can only be considered "standard fare", they also have some very clever-looking sushi rolls, as can be witnessed here. While I in no way condone such blatantly Californian culinary cockery, it was at least a feast for the eyes. I need to be carrying my actual camera around more often, camera phones are shit.

For no reason whatsoever, I choose to end this post with a list of unusual sex terms. At best, this could lead to some imaginative innuendo.

2006-06-30T08:30:00.000-06:00

5-7-5

Lately I've been spending too much time wondering what my medical history would look like were it condensed into a haiku.

2006-06-27T15:51:00.000-06:00

A Mildly Funny Story

So I was downtown this afternoon, having a tattoo consultation at Bushido. Chrys was pretty impressed with the preliminary work I'd done on this, going as far as photoshopping up a crude mock-up of what the tattoo could look like. I guess most people go into their consultations saying things as banal as "I want, like, a flower or something. Can you do that?" As it stands, I go under the needle on the 17th. I'm super excited.

As I was walking back to my car though, dread filled my soul. Parked right behind my car was that of my arch nemisis: Meter Maid Man. Obviously he was camping my car, just waiting as the last few minutes drained. It was clear to me that while my ticket was probably already written up, it was not yet attached to my car. Perhaps some quick thinking will save the day.

Dont run. Running will only clue him into what's going on. He seems to be writing up more tickets, perhaps I can piss off before he notices. Nope, too late, he's already noticed me. I might as well talk to him.

"So hey, what would happen if I were to drive off before you could put that ticket under my wiper blade?" He's now tearing off the ticket from his book, and I'm sure it belongs to me.

"Well son, you'd have to be pretty fast..."

So, as quickly as I could, I popped into my car and started it up. He wasn't too far behind, and I could tell that I was about to lose. Just as he was reaching over to deliver his soft-boiled brand of justice though, lightning struck, and in a flash I knew what I had to do.

I turned on my windshield wipers, and started blasting wiper fluid all over the place. It was just the distraction I needed to peel out of there scot-free. I laughed all the way home.

2006-06-14T17:37:00.000-06:00

Hurry Up Let's Go

Awesome news, fellow bloggers! I am no longer trapped in the same dead-end job that has dogged me for years. I am now in a new, exciting dead-end job that will dog me for years to come!

Just kidding. I actually just got a job at Transcontinental Printing, this huge factory-style print house that makes those flyers that everybody throws away without reading them. It doesn't sound that bad, really: I'll be making more money than with security, better (read: some, as opposed to none) benefits, and ample opportunity for advancement. At first I'll have to slag it out doing menial labour with illegal immigrants, but I'm sure I'll get bumped up the line soon enough. Right now I've got a fat steak thawing for the grill, a glass of wine in my hand, and a cigar that's just begging me to celebrate in my own quite way. Who am I to disapoint such a noble smokable?

Also new on the horizon is the roommate situation. After Nude-Fest '06 (shudder), it'll be good to get some fresh blood into this house. Once again, Craigslist has come through in spades, and I must wade through the emails from Korean exchange students who moved to Canada to "walk around and learn english". It really is amazing the ratio of reliable humans who answer the ad, as opposed to exchange students who wish to abuse exclamation points in email. They all admit that they don't have jobs, why do they bother me with their nonsense? Honestly, I wish I could share some of these emails with you without looking like an insensitive jerk.

In random linkage, I found a really rad pair of shoes that Ryan might be interested in, empirical evidence that Darth Vader is opposed to gay rights, and my favorite beer commercial ever. HOORAY BEER!

2006-06-12T02:29:00.000-06:00

Literature, Bitches!

I've been reading a lot lately. Some good stuff too. Ryan, being the more well-read in our friendship, lent me Miyamoto Musashi's The Book of Five Rings. It's the autobiography of a total badass, wherein he explains how he is a badass, and more or less glosses over the parts in his life when he actually is a badass. When you think about, how badass is that?

Also on loan from Ryan is Jared Diamond's Guns, Germs, and Steel. I'll admit, I've not made it much further than the prologue yet, but it's already blown my mind. I expect to read this much quicker than most books that would be suspect as mandatory text for a university general studies course.

I've also got Bret Easton Ellis' American Psycho on the go, but frankly it is not impressing me so far. I can only assume that the protagonist's (???) super-snobby lifestyle is meant to juxtapose his brutal private life, but he hasn't stopped brand name-dropping for long enough to actually get to the interesting part. Spending the first 1/3rd of the book laboring over the annoying-at-best minutia of the main character's obsessions and the italicized nit-pickings of his asshole friends isn't really winning me over as a reader. I get that I'm probably supposed to hate Patrick Bateman and his crew, but really I'm just starting to hate Bret Easton Ellis.

And I recently finished Nick Hornby's High Fidelity. It's exactly like the movie, except british. Frankly, I don't feel as though the change in lexicon was worth the ticket price. I already know precisely what's going to happen. Bollocks.

2006-06-04T01:13:00.000-06:00

Blah Blah Blah

I haven't really felt very much like posting for the last little while, but I figured I shouldn't ignore this for too long. There's not much to say really. I got a new phone (if you want the new number, call my old phone), I'm looking for a new job (some hot leads, but that's about it), work is getting really bizarro (I'm getting paid more to do less work than ever), and last night I got absolutely stinko at an impromptu BBQ. I don't remember a lot of it, and frankly I would rather it stay that way.

That's pretty much it.

2006-05-27T07:59:00.000-06:00

The Future Is Now, Bitches!

Guess who totally went and proved me wrong by making a second album? Why, it's none other than The Futureheads! They even saw fit to add disrespect to the physical damage by making News & Tributes even better than their first album. It's nice to see that British gimmick-rock has some players that can stay for a second period, and use four-part harmony in rock in ways that haven't been done since Queen was around.

For those of you who don't know, Matthew collects different versions of Monopoly, and probably has well over 100 different boards. I recently discovered that the total nuber of officialy licensed friendship-killers (dice included) comes to just under 1000.

And for some of the most beautiful art that I've seen in a while, check out this sand-guy from Korea. No sooner does he create a masterpiece with nothing but his bare hands and sand does he destroy it, only to make another. Coordinating this act to music was also a nice touch.

Today is the last day of the Children's Festival, and it's been a blast volunteering for it. All of the coordinators have been so appreciative, likely due to the fact that they depend on volunteers to return next year. All the same, spending 10 minutes painting a kid's face so his spider-man looks perfect, only to have him jump up and hug you, smearing the paint all over your pants is a pretty awesome experience. I'm kind of sad that the festival has to end now.

2006-05-23T00:38:00.000-06:00

Comedy Time!

No music talk today, just a bunch of random funny links that I think are pretty funny.

Dear NSA, for all those questions you're afraid complete strangers already have the answers to.

Dumb Dinosaur. This cartoon made me bust a gut.

It's true, I was laughing so hard that I pulled a Phil, all laughing like a Yogi. It would have been a lot funnier if the guy showed us the proper way to shoot milk out our noses.

God bless you nerds. You make the world a better place to roll in. This sort of thing is a great idea for a charity run, but it could also be fun for a flash mob kind of thing.

Here's a great mash-up of some old-timey dancin' with Whippa Whip/DJ Z-Trip's modern time sound. It's really eeirie how the audio syncs up at some points.

Finally, I think that I would have been much more reluctant to drop out of university had there been a club as cool as this one on campus. Secret locations, cool costumes, and barbeques? I'm in.

That's it.

2006-05-17T07:27:00.000-06:00

The Grand(addy) Finale

I don't really have that many albums to talk about this week, last week was too good. I'll start with Grandaddy's latest and last ever album, Just Like the Fambly Cat. Having recently broken up, I was kind of hoping to hear some didactic songs of some sort, but instead it's the same wit and whimsy that we've come to expect. It's a good album, but Sumday was better.

Matthew Sweet and Susanna Hoffs team up to cover the first half of the Forrest Gump soundtrack in Under the Covers Vol. 1. Alternative folk covers to songs from the 60's is pretty cool, and they take some pretty popular ones to rework. I'm just glad to be able to listen to a cover album that isn't on Fat Wreck Chords.

Speaking of cover albums, did I tell you guys about the soundtrack to Stubbs the Zombie? It's really rad, you've got alternative and indie bands like Death Cab and The Dandy Warhols and Rogue Wave covering the most recognizable songs of the 50's. Listening to Cake do a competent and catchy Sinatra cover is really an awesome thing. The Flaming Lips are on there too, covering If I Only Had A Brain, from The Wizard of Oz. This is especially interesting if you're familiar with the 1999 KCRW session that The Lips played, wherein Wayne Coyne explains his creepy theory of Scarecrow Syndrome. Did I say especially interesting? I meant to say creepy as all hell gets out.

That's it for now. Just a reminder kids, the BBQ is on the 20th, and if you're reading this you're invited. Except for that spammer who keeps trying to advertise porn in my comments section. You can go back to eating Kraft Dinner and Kraft Dinner alone in your mom's basement.

2006-05-12T19:08:00.000-06:00

In Which Tay Is Not Necessarily Smart With His Money

It's true, a fool and his money are soon parted. A recent merger, combined with a pregnancy in my company has resulted in me getting a lot of extra overtime. To celebrate, I've been buying things that I would not normally splurge on.

First up was a DVD player, which I was lacking. I guess this wasn't such a stupid purchase. After all, they just had a price drop on the Playstation 2: Return to the Island of Dr. Playstation, so I figured "why not". I burned through Kingdom Hearts 2: Son of Kingdom Hearts in about a week, and now I'm working on Metal Gear Solid 3: Metal Gear's Revenge. Don't worry, I don't have any more ridiculous sequel titles planned for the rest of this post.

While I haven't exactly "purchased" it yet, per se, I have made an appointment at Bushido to have a new tattoo installed. Through the magic of photoshop, I've crafted a very good outline of what design I desire, and layered it overtop a picture of me to show how it might look when it's done. I'd share these images, but I'm sure you fellows could do without pictures of my sickly self not wearing a shirt. I'm scheduled to be in the hot seat in mid-July. Apparently they're booked solid for months, scrubbing off tattoos reading "Calgary Flames: Stanley Cup '06".

Next up on my shopping list was a new wallet. For the last little while I've been using my old cigarette case to hold my money, and that was pretty cool. But it's crap compared to the ACM Money Clip. This thing is so rad it hurts.

Possibly the dumbest of my purchases came this morning though, when I followed an ad at Penny Arcade, telling me about the wonders of the Omni from Sumo Lounge. Sure enough, I'm a sucker for a sale, and this house will be needing new furniture soon. Add in free shipping, and my credit card number is yours for the taking. After getting some well-deserved sleep, I realize now that the model pictured in the advertisements will probably not accompany my purchase. All the same, I'm still excited.

2006-05-10T07:17:00.000-06:00

Tuesdays are Good Days

What's not to like about Tuesdays? The Onion joys me with the latest in fake news, and all the new albums come out. This week was pretty decent, weighing more heavily in volume than outstanding quality though. Allow me to share:

Red Hot Chili Peppers released their new double-album Stadium Arcadium to much buzz and hoopla. Those hoping for a full-fledged return to the psychobilly days of Blood Sugar Sex Magik may be a bit dissapointed though, this album reeks of Californication. I don't think that's a bad thing though, I loved that album. My fanboyism for the band has since wained though, so I can't begin to guess how this album will stack up in the long run. It doesn't suck, that's for sure.

Owen Pallett, AKA Final Fantasy has released his second full-length album, and rounds out his sound in a good way. While unfortunately titled, He Poos Clouds adds some interesting elements to an already obscure violin based whisper-pop deal. Check out Song Song Song, it's a really good song (song song). This album has yet to grow on me, right now I think that I prefer the bare bones Has a Good Home debut.

Snow Patrol and The Stills have new material now, titled Eyes Open and Without Feathers respectively. There's not much surprising about these albums really, just more of the same from some really catchy bands. Snow Patrol has done something interesting though, and that is to show Martha Wainwright what her purpose is, musically speaking. She needs to be in a band. Her solo act is boring as all hell, but her duet on Set The Fire To The Third Bar is really something.

Screamo rockers Thursday turn it down half a notch for A City By The Light Divided, making them more of a yell-mo band... I guess. To be honest, now I can't tell the difference between them and The Cardinal Sin, another emo band drawn randomly from a pool of thousands. I suppose that when you download torrents haphazardly, you run the risk of listening to loud crap. Oh well, live and learn. I still like Understanding In A Car Crash though, I don't care what anybody says.

Ryan spoke briefly of Gnarls Barkley, and I wanted to chip in my two cents. I think that St. Elsewhere is a pretty fantastic album, but the fact that this is exactly the kind of album that Outkast would do really damages my ability to enjoy it. I'm really excited that RJD2 and Danger Mouse are going head to head for Best Producer of 2006. Let's wait for the singles and remixes before we make any judgements though.

No, I would have to say that my favorite album this week is Fox Confessor Brings The Flood, from Neko Case. Why? Because it's Neko Case, and she's smoking hot. That's why.

So what am I looking forward to? Next week sees the release of Broken Boy Soldiers from The Raconteurs, the latest superband to hit the streets. Comprised of Jack White, Brendan Benson (my favorite non-Canadian songwriter), with Jack Lawrence and Patrick Keeler (The Greenhornes, really good blues for you there Ryan), this promises to be one hell of a good time.

Sorry for wasting your time, please come back later when maybe I'll write words on an intranet about things that are interesting for you.

2006-05-03T07:59:00.000-06:00

Volunteering for the Children's Festival this year is probably one of the best decisions I've made. The work has hardly begun, but already I've become witness to one of the sweetest moments that only a child can provide. Yesterday I was charged with visiting several schools in the NW, to pick up kites that the childrens had painted on. While leaving with a few kites and heading off to my car, I passed by a group of preschool girls. One of them noticed what I was doing, and energetically waved at me, shouting "BYE KITE!!!" until her friends joined in. I could have died right then, it was so friggin' cute. But that's kids for you, I guess.

Hey, here's a random thought: What does the "MF" in MF Doom stand for? Motherfucker? Mostly Fictitious? Inquiring minds would like to know.

For some cool random linkage, you can check out Apple's new "Get A Mac" tv spot. It stars that guy from Dodgeball. No, not that guy, the other guy. I think it's funny.

2006-04-30T05:35:00.000-06:00

Not much to say today, just a couple of interesting links to throw out there. It would seem that the world's greatest living bad-ass did an interview for the AP recently. No, not Chuck Norris. Grand Master Masaaki Hatsumi doesn't seem to have changed much over the last few years, save for his now outspoken distaste for the treatment ninja culture has been given in pop culture. I found the interview to be an interesting read, maybe you will too.

Slightly related to the anglobastardization (thanks Ryan!) of ninjutsu, I am not the first person to find out that Uncle Phil was indeed the voice actor for The Shredder of Ninja Turtles fame. No really, it's true. The Shredder was the biggest bad-ass any child could ever imagine, before he was old enough to watch Samuel L. Jackson movies. So bad was The Shredder that when you and four friends were playing Ninja Turtles, you didn't mind getting stuck being The Shredder. Uncle Phil, on the other hand, was much less bad-ass. While still able to throw DJ Jazzy Jeff 30 feet out the door, the toughest he ever got was with "tough love". He was also a man known for pimping his snack. This post has been pointless enough, so I'll stop here.

2006-04-24T11:23:00.000-06:00

I Fought The Law

And surprisingly enough, I won. by staying awake a few hours past my bedtime, I was able to save $177. All I had to do was waste a bunch of time in court. It was a really weird existential experience though. Maybe it was just because I was tired, but every face in the courtroom looked familiar to me. Every cop waiting his turn to testify was one that had pulled me over previously, every defendant was somebody I had seen on the train last week, or somebody I bumped into at one of our cities many dollar stores. I could have sworn that the Crown Prosecutor was on some Showcase program the other night, and the judge was the man who I caught singing along to the radio in his car. Of course my case was the last to go before the court that morning, and it took all of two seconds to be over. What follows is the verbatim transcript of what went down.

Crown Prosecutor: Your honour, the Crown moves that the defendant's charges be withdrawn.
Judge: The charges are withdrawn.
Me: Awesome. See ya.

Was justice done? No, I was speeding. I beat the system, and I couldn't be happier. Stick'n it to the man is fun.