Saturday, November 08, 2003

Man, this semester has caught up with me finally, and it's getting to be pretty harsh. The other night, I ended up actually studying. Shiver. This may or may not mean that the comic will be delayed until next week. What I really need is some kind of archiving tool to make looking at the comics less of a chore. Y'see that little link to your right that lets you email me? If you have any help to offer, then click it. I would be forever in your debt.

Matrix Review Spoiler Alert!
So, The Matrix. I'm really not sure what to say. When I left the theatre, I didn't like it. Then I thought about it for an hour or so, and I guess that I kinda liked it. Now I've thought about it some more, and I'm really not sure. Let's disect the movie in chronology, and see if we can't work out some kind of opinion.

Neo is in another matrix of sorts. We have this insanely deep conversation with some rogue-programs, which ends far too quickly, because Neo gets his ass handed to him by some heroin addict. Man do I hate the super-powered homeless. I liked this part. It was cool.

The rest of the kung-fu kids are trying to get Neo out of the jam he is in. This involves Morpheus topping his fantastic ninja-roll from the previous sequel, by flipping out and snapping some hapless dudes neck, disapearing in a cloud of smoke. Awesome.

Cut to: a gunfight with some guys who don't care much for gravity. That all well and good, but what good does being upside-down do, given such a low ceiling? Note to retarded upside-down guys: BULLETS CAN GO UP TOO, STUPID. This is hardly the greatest abuse of physics in the movie though. In fact, we see it right after this fight. I am of course talking about Monica Belucci's cleavage. Insane. Also, confusing is the toothpick of the Merovingian, which seems to have on it an infinite number of olives. For a guy with so much class, he sure can't seem to keep his mouth shut while eating. Also, how did the bouncers not turn away that homeless guy? You think for an all-powerful program, the Trainman could stand to dress up a little. Maybe a little like this? Whatever. They free Neo. All in all, a pretty cool section of the movie. We're still into some heavy philosophy, which was really the best part. Also, I thought that they handled the Oracle's change of appearance pretty well.

But now we're back in the real world, and things are starting to suck again. Badly. Neo and Trinity go for a joyride, and Morpheus and Niobe get in a pointless chase scene. Also, the machines breach Zion, and the only weapons that they can come up with is an infinite amount of bullets, some tazer guns, and a total of 6 rockets. What happened to EMP's? Can't you just make little ones, and shoot those? It's all good though, because the machines haven't really figured out explosives either, much less projectile wepons in general. This has to be the worst part of the movie, and it takes about 75% of our time. Super-lame. Baney McSmith wasn't too bad, but he never really did much, save for weld Neo's eyes shut. DOESN'T THAT HURT MAN? Naw, he's fine, it's only his eyeballs. Sure, they've prolly ruptured in his sockets, and would be oozing profusely were the holes not sealed with scalding hot metal, but it's nothing he can't shrug off.

So, Neo gets to the main machine, flips it off, and works out a deal for mankind. The war ends if Neo wins against the Smithettes. Fair enough. So Zion is saved. Cut to the cheeziest DBZ ripoff I've ever seen (I don't even want to talk about this. I'm sure that message board monkeys are warring it up right now.) and Smith ends up being his own doom. Umm, I have to guess that when Smith hacks Neo, Neo proves to be the stronger entity, and just blows them all up at the same time. So, the Matrix resets, and peace is brought throughout the land.

The Oracle and Architect work out a deal, Zion doesn't have another stupid naked rave scene, and Neo is dead in body but presumably still alive in the Matrix, to provide the chance for future video games, Christmas TV specials, etc. Which I guess is about as happy an ending as we could hope for. But it leaves some questions unanswered.

1. Why is Neo super-powered in the real world, supposedly the place where rationality is something that can't be broken? "Just 'cuz" says the Oracle. Ugh, c'mon. That doesn't make a lick of sense.

2. The machines just built a perfectly nice hole into Zion. Why not just drop a nuke in it, or use it as your landfill to piss them off? That would be pretty funny.

3. Monica Belucci's boobs. What the hell?

I guess that all in all, the film ended the way that it had to. I just wish that it didn't end, and that it was all as cool as the first movie was. I think that given the right editing, we could have had some awesome shit on our hands. For future reference Wachowski's: Don't call a movie The Matrix, and then only feature said Matrix for 20% of the movie. And buy Monica Beucci a sweater for Buddha's sake.
End Spoilers

Webcomic Corner
Check out Captain Ribman. He is everything that I hate about America, television, and pop-culture. Despite the lack of competent archiving tools, it's pretty fun to read.

Webcomic of Horror
Something new for this month. Each update, I will feature a webcomic that has either tainted my eyes with it awful art, stunted me with it's lack of content, or lessened my hope in the human race in some way. Believe me, there is no shortage of these styles of comics.

For the first Webcomic of Horror, I will suggest that you shield your eyes from the awfulness of El Goonish Shive. I don't even know where to begin. The art is standard, and the site is functional, but it's the content that kills me. We have sexually-confused teenage furry-freaks running around saving the world and switching sexes like an episode of Ranma 1/2 gone horribly awry. Anthropomorphic animal comics get an automatic axe in my book, but this goes even a step further by clearly displaying every other Freudian deficiancy thought possible. Of course the most horrifying thig about this comic is that, at the time of this posting, it is #2 on Top Web Comics. Disturbing.


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