Tuesday, April 18, 2006

How to Not Get a Speeding Ticket

Step 1: Don't speed. Duh.

Step 2: Should you speed as so many drivers are want to do, and get pulled over, don't panic. Pretend that the intervention is boring to you, but not so boring that you will look at your watch. Whatever you do, don't look like you're in a hurry.

Step 3: Do not suck up. Hell, don't even be polite. When the cop lets you go, don't say "thanks".

Step 4: Don't give the cop any excuse. They hate them, but they will ask you for one regardless. Don't cave in to the pressure.

Step 5: Don't apologize.

Follow these steps, and the resulting dialogue should go a little something like mine did an hour ago...

Cop: You were doing 30 over the limit in a construction zone.
Me: I sure was.
Cop: That can be a hefty fine, up to $211, double if there's any workers on the road.
Me: Wow, that's a lot.
Cop: You wanna tell me why you were speeding?
Me: I thought I was the only one on the road, and I thought I could get away with it. Oops.
Cop: Yeah, you need to slow down. It's dangerous.
Me: Ummmm... Okay?
Cop: Be careful when you merge back into traffic.
Me: See ya.

Had I followed these rules so many months ago, I would not be due in court to waste taxpayer's money fighting a speeding ticket for the exact same speed on the exact same stretch of road. My only hope to win is for the cop to not show up to trial. If he does, it is my intent to waste as much time as possible, such that the cost of the trial will far outweigh what can be recovered in a fine by finding me guilty. The system doesn't work. Fuck Glenmore Trail.


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