Monday, April 23, 2007

Happy Earth Day!

I broke my glasses recently, the story of which I shall tell you now. It was Earth Day, a day when you're supposed to celebrate the Earth, and not fuck up the environment so much. So to do my part in Earth appreciation, I took the eco-friendly C-Train to the zoo, to admire some of our planet's most exotic prisoners.

As I passed by the enclosure surrounding the mountain lion, I could see that the creature was exhibiting some strange behavior. Stopping to observe, the elegant creature paced back in forth in front of the fence that held it, throwing at me a stare that was unmistakable.

"You're such a pussy," that smug stare was saying. "If it weren't for this fence, you wouldn't be so indifferent to my existence. Without this fence, you would shit your pants and run away like a little girl." Needless to say, it was a very complicated look that it was giving me.

Rage was welling up inside of me. Anybody who knows me knows that I value the subjugation of other species very highly; it's what really separates us from the animals. A nearby zookeeper, grizzled in his old age, noticed this and approached me.

"That there mountain lion has been uppity from the moment she was brought here." He scratched deeply at the stubble on his neck. "She knows that so long as that fence is there, she can try and pick a fight with anybody that walks by, and never have to back up her bravado. Of course, she is a mountain lion. I'm willin' to bet that she probably would win in a scrap."

"Well why don't we find out?" I asked. Piqued by curiosity, and goaded on by a crowd that was beginning to form at the notion of a man-on-lion fight, the zookeeper led me to a nearby tree that I could scale to get over the fence. As I ascended, this bitch of a beast sat on her haunches, and awaited my arrival, her tail occasionally flicking in anticipation. She did not expect what was about to happen next.

And so I leapt from the tree, head-first, right overtop of this mountain lion. Just before impact, my right arm drew itself inward, such that I hit her skull with my patented Atomic Flying Elbow Drop. The crowd exploded in cheers, having never seen such grace and brutality from the top rope. Indeed, the animal was dropped faster than an advanced trig class, and I took a second to take a bow and address the crowd.

"We need to stop being so nice to animals!" I boomed in classic basso. "If these beasts don't catch an elbow to the face every now and then, how will they know who's boss on this planet?"

My shining example being a lightning bolt of inspiration, the crowd dispersed to perform despicable acts of violence against the residents of the zoo. Koalas were punched; bears were suplexed and apes got sand kicked in their faces. My work here was done. Just as I turned around to make my glorious exit, the mountain lion that I had assumed dead pounced. With only a fraction of a second to react, I grabbed this abomination by the ears, and slammed my head into the exact same spot that my elbow had decimated not minutes ago. Fortunately, this proved sufficient enough to instantly kill the beast. Unfortunately, the dent made in it's cranium by my first attack had dented it's skull such that the frames of my glasses absorbed much of the impact, breaking both arms off of their hinges. Had the crowd not left moments prior to pillage mother nature, it would have been a most embarrassing exit, having to gather the pieces of my spectacles and sulk off.

So, to reiterate: I did not break my glasses by stepping on them as I woke up. I head butted a mountain lion. Happy Earth Day!

3 Comments:

At 8:11 PM, Blogger Michael said...

I bow to your artistry.

 
At 9:47 PM, Blogger Tay said...

Awww, shucks. Thanks man. I just wanted to write a fun story. Maybe I'll do it again sometime!

 
At 12:08 AM, Blogger Man of the Century said...

BEST. EXCUSE. EVER.

 

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