Mantis Style!

Job Interview 2: Beyond Thunderdome

I had a job interview at The Bank last Thursday. I didn't really want to make a big deal out of it, in case things didn't go well. But this was just too interesting to not share with you guys.

The day started out the same way that all of my job interview days start: A thourough hygiene ritual, followed by a quick prayer to Quetzalcoatl for good luck. I dressed myself in my finest shirt and tie, and left the house looking like I was auditioning for the sequel to Resevoir Dogs.

I left the house with plenty of time to make it to the bank, and vented all my stress by singing along to The Pipettes. If that doesn't loosen you up, nothing will. So I happened to be in a really good mood when I parked my car, only to see my arch nemisis, Charles Porter.

Perhaps I should explain.

Charles Porter is my doppleganger. While in no way related to me, he is my exact twin in every physical way. You probably have one too, although it's unlikely that you'll ever meet him/her. He looks like me, sounds like me, and much to my chagrin, he has nothing but an insatiable desire to be me. It's been his ambition in life ever since we met to take over my life and live it for me.

Why would he want to assume the identity of a slacker such as myself? I can't say for sure, especially when his life doesn't seem all that bad by comparison. We discussed simply trading lives when we first met, but negotiations broke down quickly after a revelation between us.

If you've known me for any length of time, I will have probably imparted to you my desire to die by the hands of my doppleganger in a bloody and climactic fight to the death. It is most unfortunate that Charles shares that exact same desire. We've tried to fight to the death, but neither of us have really been into it, what with both of us wanting to be the loser in such a conflict. It's quite a pathetic thing to see, really. In lieu of this, Charles hopes to assume every facet of my life, hoping to forgo the dissapointing (and frankly premature) fight to the death.

It was just this sort of scam that I was interupting as I approached Charles in the parking lot, just before he was able to enter the bank.

"Charles, what the hell do you think you're doing?" I have grown far too weary of these games for common pleasanteries. Dressed in the exact same garb as myself, he turned to me sheepishly.

"You know that it's always been my dream to work at the bank. I have to follow my dreams"

"I know all about your ambitions, asshole. That's why you stole my job at the Royal Bank last month, and my job at CIBC the month before that. Why can't you just leave me alone? I have no intention of killing you, no matter how mad you make me."

His eyes met mine, and I could see the tears welling up. "I have to try," he said quietly. "It's all that I've ever wanted. Are you sure that there's no way I could change your mind?"

I explained to him that the only way that he could possibly get me mad enough to kill him would be to pull a Frankenstein, and kill my wife on the night of our wedding. In the meantime, he could feel free to go about his own creepy business, and we could live our lives in peace. This seemed to be a fine solution to his problem, so he went home.

I went in for my job interview, and as I've just learned this afternoon, the position has been offered to me. Hooray me!

posted by Tay @ 7:07 PM